ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
