I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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