Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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