Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
