For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
