I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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