Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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