my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
