I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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