My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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