Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
