that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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