I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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