don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
