I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
