I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
