I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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