Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
