I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
