You kept calling me your small dog last night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
