So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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