Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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