bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
