I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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