WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
