I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
