the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
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if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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