Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with