She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked