I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
