So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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