god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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