Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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