i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize