Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I think I just sharted jello shots
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
