filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
