So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
