i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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