I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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