I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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