Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
