Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
