my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
