Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
