my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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