my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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