Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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