I wish my penis had an off switch
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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