Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
