Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
