then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
