This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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