I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
