I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
