I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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